Tau ga, gue benci sama teman-teman gue. For me they're just a bunch of bullshits flying around in my life everyday while none of them are really a friend. They're just fools. But I thank God my friends are quite honest to me. As in... let's see.

There's this popular group in my school, and the girls are like BFF gitu deh. Setiap ketemu xoxo-xoxo, saying, "OMG you're so pretty today!" atau "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!", atau "No, you're prettier than me," atau "You're so beautiful xD" and when they turn around to some other people they whisper, "Bitch!": referring to the girl they just adulate. Atau "She's so... not it." Gitulah. Hyprocrites. Thank God, though I know my friends aren't so, well, nice, they don't bullshit.

But you know what, I still most of the time feel like they're just not my friends. Gitulah, teman dalam arti yang literal banget, alias seseorang yang menemani. Physically there, tapi ga membawa kesenangan atau kehangatan. While what I want is like teman who... basically understand each other and caring. While THEY dont really realise I'm alive or there. Tau kan kaya kehampaan yang udah lama ada, but it just stays there without intending to leave AT ALL.

This is childish, but do you know why I want to move to Bandung? It's because maybe I think I would find some friends. Seenggaknya friends who care. Makanya gue kadang mikir, bener apa ga ya keputusan gue yang bisa dibilang cuma gara-gara ego bodoh. Tapi gue manusia, butuh teman. Teman yang peduli. Bukan teman yang..................................................... bullshit. Sori, but I think they really just are.

It's like I'm just a friend. Not even a good friend, apalagi a best friend. Gue cuman seseorang di dalam kumpulan itu. Ga penting. Ga butuh diketahui kabarnya, perasaanya. THEY ARE JUST NOT FRIENDS FOR ME OKAY! IM TRULY SICK BEING HERE, BEING LIKE THIS, BEING ALONE... while I need company. They dont give me that. And I dont give them that. Jadi hubungan "pertemanan" ini mau dibawa kemana? Well I guess it's just for company at school, and byebye when graduate.

Orang-orang seumur gue punya BFF, I dont. Mereka curhat, nangis-nangis, diperdengarkan, gue enggak. It's like I'm dead and not alive. GUE BENCI KAYA GINI. IT NEVER ENDS. NEVER.

Is it karma? Because I've done A LOT OF THINGS back then, and maybe it's coming back to me these years. Ah sudahlah, yang bisa gue lakukan cuman sabar dan belajar dari ini.

Ah sori, Kok gue jadi kaya Cinlau ya ngomongnya Inggris-Indonesia, udah kaya kamus aja. GRH.

Just a few more to go, dina. Breath.

Gue pernah denger dari mbak-mbak di salon yang bilang bahwa Bandung itu sangat menarik dan kharismatik. Daya tariknya membuat orang-orang Jakarta setiap weekend ke Bandung, which I hope they will stop this habit. Gila ya, MENGGANGGU tau. Macet-macetin aja. *maki-maki*

But then I know the reasons why I like Bandung.

Bandung itu kota paling gaya deh. Makanya juga dinamain Paris van Java. Udah gitu relatif lebih teduh dari Jakarta. Sekarang sih udah jauh lebih panas dari waktu masa kecil gue dulu. Semuanya pada ke Bandung, sih! URGH. Why can't we keep Bandung as it was huh huh huh? Menyebalkan. But then, it's unavoidable.

Tapi the most thing I admire the most is... bahasanya. Gila yah, menurut gue bahasa Bandung (bukan bahasa sundanya, bahasa Bandungnya) adalah bahasa terseksi di dunia. Bahasa gaul aja dicampur bahasa sunda, dan itu seksi. Gue suka banget ngedengerin anak-anak gaul gitu ngobrol pake bahasa Bandung. Makanya radio itu lebih menarik di sana, daripada di Ibu Kota. Anak DKI nyebut diri sendiri "gue", anak Bandung manggil diri sendiri "saya" atau "aku" walaupun sama teman-teman (selama ini sih, gue masih sering banget denger mereka bilang saya atau aku di sekolah-sekolah). Sopan kan? Sopan tapi masih gaul. Dan itu seksi. Anak DKI bilang "elo", anak kita bilang "kamu" atau "urang". Wew, see... SEKSI BOK. Aih... sumpah.

Apa ya, kata-kata dari Bandung itu memang dengan mudah dijadikan tren sih, karena sangat catchy, gaul, seksi, namun terdepan dan sopan. Orang Jakarta mungkin seneng dengernya :) Gue aja seneng banget. Never got enough of it.

Bukan maksud menghina atau apa yah, secara masih di Indonesia juga, gue bahkan lahir di sana, tapi bahasa Jakarta itu terlampau gaul dan mencoba untuk terlalu gaul. Pokoknya, berlebihan lah.

That's why, gue betah di Bandung, karena saat mereka ngomong kedengerannya seperti sedang bernyanyi. Seksi.

Kayanya bulan yang merana gini.
Gue ada ujian yang hampir krusial yang mana untuk belajarnya aja rasanya berat hati gini.
Bulan ini seenggaknya TIGA kali gue denger berita duka.
EMPAT deh sama perang Gaza.
Eh, lima deh sama betapa seringnya lagu Pengkhianat Cinta yang maksa itu (CinLau-nya sih) diputar di radio. GRH. Mengganggu.

Oh Januari. Dikirain awal tahun bakalan menyenangkan. Tapi lumayanlah... huhuhu.

Are you scared of dying? Of death?
Have you ever thought how are you gonna die, when, where?
Have you ever thought how IS dying?

Do you wait for it? Or do you not want to die?

I do not want to die. I'm scared of dying. Terribly horribly scared like shit.
Not that I do not want to die. I'm not prepared for it. Not ready AT ALL. So how?

What about you?

People keep saying stuff to me these days, I don't even know which one is to listen to. I'm no longer able to hear what they say anymore because it's so confusing when they all speak at the same time about different matters. What I know is they tell me things that can't really be categorized into "good" or even "okay". What they said is beyond me, but I can't take it. They really need to know that I can't listen to everyone of them at the same time. I need to process what they said, and think about it before I can come to my decision on what I am supposed to do. It's really frustrating.

Oh well, other challenges, I guess. Gotta choose between surviving or giving up. That's what really matters to fully make me as a better human being.

"Kini terasa sungguh semakin engkau jauh semakin terasa dekat..."

Hey, that song reminds me of Bandung memories. Of someone. Of something. I.LOVE.THE.SONG.

Oh, I love Vidi Aldiano too :) hahaha.

Ah, saya kangen Bandung...